he's home for the holidays. (B/P post.) TRIGGER WARNING.

So my boyfriend left for the holidays (He lives halfway across the country) and won't be back until the middle of first week of January. So what do I do? Of course I fucking stuff my face. 


It started with my roommate coming home with a huge box of springrolls from work. We are having a housewarming party tomorrow and have been gathering food and baking like fiends. So naturally I FUCKING EAT LIKE 10 OF THEM. Classic. Then on to an entire fucking box of ritz bits with cheese centre. And a half of popsicle for good measure. Are you fucking kidding me? I've been so good this week, preoccupied with exams, Christmas shopping and boyfriend leaving-- how could I let it ALL go to shit in a matter of 45 mins? I am so fucking weak. SO pathetic. You know how this ends.... trip to the washroom, glass of water, until it's all gone. I also took a couple exlax to be completely sure it's out of my system. 


This is how it's going to go from now on. The sad thing is, I thought I was completely over purging a while ago. I gave it up as my new year's resolution in 2008 and have been more or less "clean" so to speak since then. I was never an excessive eater then, and was at my LW definitely a big restricter-- sometimes I would purge over the smallest piece of lettuce or couple of kernels of Smartfood popcorn. My absolute lowest point was babysitting for 2 children, one 3 and one 4 months. I had greedily consumed 8 pieces of smartfood popcorn and was desperate to get rid of it. I left the crying baby in his car seat just outside the bathroom and purged. I felt disgusting after that. The fact that I would put my own selfish urges over the welfare of this baby made me feel even more sick. That's when I decided to give it up for good (or at least try). Now, I have a sick feeling that the beast is back. 


You know what? Fuck that. If I don't eat anything, then I can't purge! I am officially going on a fast-- until Tuesday am. Vegetable stock and water only. Boyfriend deserves to come home to a skinny, beautiful girl, not some fat, useless, selfish piece of lard. I will lose 10kg before he comes home or BUST. But seriously, I might actually bust. 


Off to make some tea. And hit the yoga mat. I feel so fucking dirty.


xo, 
Gracie

I've been doing my readings...

I promise I've been a good girl, I've been doing my readings... well no, not the ones for my finals, I've been reading up on YOU. Trust me girls, the only thing getting me thru this month is your postings. This feeling that I am not alone, that I never will be alone in this struggle, and that I am not the first nor the last to be in this... .state... 


Man... I'm SO self-absorbed. 


Yogablitz.


xo, 
Gracie

Measure me. (from July)

I don't know if I have the courage to post this... but if I do, it will serve as a reference point for later on. These were my measurements a little over 10lbs ago... I'm almost afraid to grab the measuring tape again to see what's up...


165 (5'6'')
Bust-- 41''
Under bust-- 30''
Waist-- 33''
Hips-- 41''


This was the middle of the summer. Going to break out the measuring tape at the end of this week. Will update you on my current stats then. (And then hopefully will update every month...)


Gawd.... I'm fat....


FUCK.


xo, 
Gracie

retain, retain, gain?

Attempted the salt water flush again last night to no avail. But actually, nothing came out. Now I'm retaining water like crazy-- woke up at 153! ACK! NOTHING with any sodium at all today, I'm sticking mostly to fruit. Thanksgiving weekend, I will conquer YOU!

On a completely separate note, I've been feeling super frustrated with my lack of exercise lately. Usually I love running but I seem to have fallen off the wagon this week! Ack! Midterms are probably the worst for this kind of shit. I get completely absorbed in school and everything else falls apart! I'm up late, usually bingeing, and a complete lazy slob. FUCK. No excuses, Grace, this is NEVER acceptable. 

So far have had a handful of peanuts. Hopefully going to get me thru this am's mad study session. Have to stay away from fridge. And under NO circumstances will I go to boy's house. He hardly has fruit/veggies/soup and usually ends up eating pasta/KD crap when I'm around for lack of anything else. On the bright side, I'm veg so I won't touch the meat stuff, but I need to develop a little more willpower if I'm going to be over this weekend. The stress is KILLING ME! If only I were strong.... if only I were strong...

153 is a truly depressing number.

xo, Gracie

FUCK YOU ONION RINGS/Miracles happen?

So yesterday was a bit of a disaster. I had gotten through the day with quinoa 300cal, 2 apples at 100 each and a bit of spinach and balsamic vinegar. Perfectly acceptable. AND THEN my boyfriend who knew I had had one hell of a terrible day proceeded to surprise me with homemade onion rings. This. Is. BAD. I mean, REALLY BAD. #1 My boy NEVER cooks for me because he's lazy/afraid he's terrible (which he isn't). #2 this is a GRAND GESTURE on his part, and really does happen once in a blue moon. Usually I'm the one to bake him cookies or pick him up a concert ticket or something that I know he'll appreciate. He's not one for remembering things like this, OR cooking... Crap. So of course I felt terrible, so guilty in fact that I ate most of them. Bringing my caloric total up to 2300ish. FUCK FUCK FUCK. How could I have let my fat ass anywhere near those? For fuck's sake! I had convinced myself that I was going to be okay too... we were watching a movie and I figured he would eat most of them by himself without noticing I hadn't had many, if any at all. But nope. Boyfriend was attentive. Apparently he had eaten all of his before and all of these were for me. Fuck fuck fuck. To make a long story short, I fucked up, hard.

This morning I woke up, expecting the worst. So imagine my surprise when I weighed in at 151, down 2 from yesterday morning! Must've been some kind of fluke. OR that salt water flush that I did yesterday morning, BEFORE consuming all this extra crap did wonders for me in cleaning out my system. Kind of gross to think of all that extra junk that was just sitting in there. I hate the feeling of having food inside me. Of feeling bloated, full and just shitty in general. *sigh* Anyway, I have made a vow that since I was somehow granted mercy for my MAJOR fuck up, I can't let that chance get away from me again! I'm not screwing it up this time. Today so far has been pretty good... hopefully will get a chance to get to the gym after my late class tonight!

xo, Gracie

Fresh start.... it's about time!

We all need a fresh start. Me in particular. This school year has really been kicking my ass. More so because I've been so incredibly lazy. SO SO lazy. This past week in particular has been killing me, I haven't been managing my time properly and so I've dug myself a hole of unhealthy eating habits, unhealthy food and an unhealthy lack of proper exercise. This is my vow to YOU, my dear skinnies.... NO MORE LAZINESS. NO MORE EXCUSES. This is a journey to a new me. To a new life. To a fresh start. Who's with me? I've decided in order to keep myself accountable I will be posting my full stats here for y'all. Every day. Without fail. More importantly, without failing. This is my last day of shit eating. 

So here's the plan. 

-12o for New Years. NO EXCUSES.

-work out 6x/week. 

-MAX caloric intake 1200

-daily postings on food, exercise and weight for accountability

Starting stats: (As of this morning) Weight: 154lbs (petrifying how high that number is...)


xo, Gracie