he's home for the holidays. (B/P post.) TRIGGER WARNING.

So my boyfriend left for the holidays (He lives halfway across the country) and won't be back until the middle of first week of January. So what do I do? Of course I fucking stuff my face. 


It started with my roommate coming home with a huge box of springrolls from work. We are having a housewarming party tomorrow and have been gathering food and baking like fiends. So naturally I FUCKING EAT LIKE 10 OF THEM. Classic. Then on to an entire fucking box of ritz bits with cheese centre. And a half of popsicle for good measure. Are you fucking kidding me? I've been so good this week, preoccupied with exams, Christmas shopping and boyfriend leaving-- how could I let it ALL go to shit in a matter of 45 mins? I am so fucking weak. SO pathetic. You know how this ends.... trip to the washroom, glass of water, until it's all gone. I also took a couple exlax to be completely sure it's out of my system. 


This is how it's going to go from now on. The sad thing is, I thought I was completely over purging a while ago. I gave it up as my new year's resolution in 2008 and have been more or less "clean" so to speak since then. I was never an excessive eater then, and was at my LW definitely a big restricter-- sometimes I would purge over the smallest piece of lettuce or couple of kernels of Smartfood popcorn. My absolute lowest point was babysitting for 2 children, one 3 and one 4 months. I had greedily consumed 8 pieces of smartfood popcorn and was desperate to get rid of it. I left the crying baby in his car seat just outside the bathroom and purged. I felt disgusting after that. The fact that I would put my own selfish urges over the welfare of this baby made me feel even more sick. That's when I decided to give it up for good (or at least try). Now, I have a sick feeling that the beast is back. 


You know what? Fuck that. If I don't eat anything, then I can't purge! I am officially going on a fast-- until Tuesday am. Vegetable stock and water only. Boyfriend deserves to come home to a skinny, beautiful girl, not some fat, useless, selfish piece of lard. I will lose 10kg before he comes home or BUST. But seriously, I might actually bust. 


Off to make some tea. And hit the yoga mat. I feel so fucking dirty.


xo, 
Gracie