Weekend Fast update

So my weekend started out with a bang. Actually, I picked up some form of the stomach flu so I was vomiting ALL DAY SATURDAY. Safe to say that our housewarming/Christmas party was a little awkward, with me trapesing to and from the bathroom every 20 minutes. So yes, I suppose Saturday was a success. I didn't consume anything at all thanks to that blessing/curse of a stomach flu. I was miserable. Sunday I kept it simple. Lots and LOTS of water to keep me hydrated after Saturday and a couple of sips of apple juice that my concerned roomie thrust upon me. S'okay, I know she was only trying to make me feel better. And then yesterday. I was scheduled to work most of the day at the restaurant where I serve so I was pretty stoked on running around like a chicken with my head cut off for most of the day. Ach, but it rained! The place was pretty dead most of the day, so of course the kitchen showered me with food (and noticed what I was and wasn't eating). Most of them are pretty indifferent, but there is one lady who washes dishes who is like a grandmother figure to most of us! She is so adorable and super sweet and ALWAYS TRYING TO FEED ME. Thankfully, I told her I wasn't feeling well this past weekend so she only brought out and forced a small clear broth veggie soup. Thank goodness. 

Welllllll results? I am down 6lbs after this weekends fast. I'm pretty pleased but it certainly isn't enough. I am planning on sticking to fruit and broth today amidst cleaning and Christmas shopping. Under 800. I NEED to get to the gym today, or at least out for a run! Aghfdjkfhd.... whattta crazy time of year. 

xo, 

Gracie

ps. I'm lonely. I miss boyfriend. 

he's home for the holidays. (B/P post.) TRIGGER WARNING.

So my boyfriend left for the holidays (He lives halfway across the country) and won't be back until the middle of first week of January. So what do I do? Of course I fucking stuff my face. 


It started with my roommate coming home with a huge box of springrolls from work. We are having a housewarming party tomorrow and have been gathering food and baking like fiends. So naturally I FUCKING EAT LIKE 10 OF THEM. Classic. Then on to an entire fucking box of ritz bits with cheese centre. And a half of popsicle for good measure. Are you fucking kidding me? I've been so good this week, preoccupied with exams, Christmas shopping and boyfriend leaving-- how could I let it ALL go to shit in a matter of 45 mins? I am so fucking weak. SO pathetic. You know how this ends.... trip to the washroom, glass of water, until it's all gone. I also took a couple exlax to be completely sure it's out of my system. 


This is how it's going to go from now on. The sad thing is, I thought I was completely over purging a while ago. I gave it up as my new year's resolution in 2008 and have been more or less "clean" so to speak since then. I was never an excessive eater then, and was at my LW definitely a big restricter-- sometimes I would purge over the smallest piece of lettuce or couple of kernels of Smartfood popcorn. My absolute lowest point was babysitting for 2 children, one 3 and one 4 months. I had greedily consumed 8 pieces of smartfood popcorn and was desperate to get rid of it. I left the crying baby in his car seat just outside the bathroom and purged. I felt disgusting after that. The fact that I would put my own selfish urges over the welfare of this baby made me feel even more sick. That's when I decided to give it up for good (or at least try). Now, I have a sick feeling that the beast is back. 


You know what? Fuck that. If I don't eat anything, then I can't purge! I am officially going on a fast-- until Tuesday am. Vegetable stock and water only. Boyfriend deserves to come home to a skinny, beautiful girl, not some fat, useless, selfish piece of lard. I will lose 10kg before he comes home or BUST. But seriously, I might actually bust. 


Off to make some tea. And hit the yoga mat. I feel so fucking dirty.


xo, 
Gracie

I've been doing my readings...

I promise I've been a good girl, I've been doing my readings... well no, not the ones for my finals, I've been reading up on YOU. Trust me girls, the only thing getting me thru this month is your postings. This feeling that I am not alone, that I never will be alone in this struggle, and that I am not the first nor the last to be in this... .state... 


Man... I'm SO self-absorbed. 


Yogablitz.


xo, 
Gracie

Measure me. (from July)

I don't know if I have the courage to post this... but if I do, it will serve as a reference point for later on. These were my measurements a little over 10lbs ago... I'm almost afraid to grab the measuring tape again to see what's up...


165 (5'6'')
Bust-- 41''
Under bust-- 30''
Waist-- 33''
Hips-- 41''


This was the middle of the summer. Going to break out the measuring tape at the end of this week. Will update you on my current stats then. (And then hopefully will update every month...)


Gawd.... I'm fat....


FUCK.


xo, 
Gracie

Void.

I'm so sorry I've been gone for so long. After the funeral I slipped into a black hellhole so to speak. I've hardly left the house. been sleeping most of the time. 6 weeks later and here I am. 

Battling depression sucks the life out of you. 

I've given myself a little kick in the ass, and allowed myself to reset (again.) I've joined a weight loss competition going on in my city-- regular caloric/weight updates will soon follow. I hope all you beauties have been well (enough). 

sending all my love and support.

xo, 

Gracie

past few days

There was a sudden death (suicide) in my close extended family this weekend. I"ve been out of town. It's all been a blur. I know nothing. What are numbers? 

Binge

all together now...

I ate less than yesterday, please God let that number be lower tomorrow morning.I ate less than yesterday, please God let that number be lower tomorrow morning.I ate less than yesterday, please God let that number be lower tomorrow morning.I ate less than yesterday, please God let that number be lower tomorrow morning.I ate less than yesterday, please God let that number be lower tomorrow morning.I ate less than yesterday, please God let that number be lower tomorrow morning.I ate less than yesterday, please God let that number be lower tomorrow morning.I ate less than yesterday, please God let that number be lower tomorrow morning.I ate less than yesterday, please God let that number be lower tomorrow morning.I ate less than yesterday, please God let that number be lower tomorrow morning.I ate less than yesterday, please God let that number be lower tomorrow morning.I ate less than yesterday, please God let that number be lower tomorrow morning.I ate less than yesterday, please God let that number be lower tomorrow morning.I ate less than yesterday, please God let that number be lower tomorrow morning.

the end.

xo, Gracie