So my boyfriend left for the holidays (He lives halfway across the country) and won't be back until the middle of first week of January. So what do I do? Of course I fucking stuff my face.
It started with my roommate coming home with a huge box of springrolls from work. We are having a housewarming party tomorrow and have been gathering food and baking like fiends. So naturally I FUCKING EAT LIKE 10 OF THEM. Classic. Then on to an entire fucking box of ritz bits with cheese centre. And a half of popsicle for good measure. Are you fucking kidding me? I've been so good this week, preoccupied with exams, Christmas shopping and boyfriend leaving-- how could I let it ALL go to shit in a matter of 45 mins? I am so fucking weak. SO pathetic. You know how this ends.... trip to the washroom, glass of water, until it's all gone. I also took a couple exlax to be completely sure it's out of my system.
This is how it's going to go from now on. The sad thing is, I thought I was completely over purging a while ago. I gave it up as my new year's resolution in 2008 and have been more or less "clean" so to speak since then. I was never an excessive eater then, and was at my LW definitely a big restricter-- sometimes I would purge over the smallest piece of lettuce or couple of kernels of Smartfood popcorn. My absolute lowest point was babysitting for 2 children, one 3 and one 4 months. I had greedily consumed 8 pieces of smartfood popcorn and was desperate to get rid of it. I left the crying baby in his car seat just outside the bathroom and purged. I felt disgusting after that. The fact that I would put my own selfish urges over the welfare of this baby made me feel even more sick. That's when I decided to give it up for good (or at least try). Now, I have a sick feeling that the beast is back.
You know what? Fuck that. If I don't eat anything, then I can't purge! I am officially going on a fast-- until Tuesday am. Vegetable stock and water only. Boyfriend deserves to come home to a skinny, beautiful girl, not some fat, useless, selfish piece of lard. I will lose 10kg before he comes home or BUST. But seriously, I might actually bust.
Off to make some tea. And hit the yoga mat. I feel so fucking dirty.
xo,
Gracie
we all stuff our faces, love. it's nothing to worry of.
ReplyDeletedamn them Ritz bits! they're like the demon. anything manufactered by Ritz. ahahaha. you can eat like the whole thing and still not feel full.
aweee :( your purging story sounds really awful. i once left to the bathroom to purge when an 8 year old girl [my cousin] was waiting for me outside. i felt bad because she kept on following me and wanting to just hang around me because she loved being around me so much. i ate a bowl of oatmeal, so i wanted it out of me. i tried to purge but i was too consumed by emotion.
gah. popcorn. the kernels suck going back up. it's scratchy and the texture isn't nice.
i'm trying to kick the habit as well...so far it's going well.
-Sam Lupin
Ugh, I understand the binging. When I get around food like that sometimes I just think "What the hell, I can fast tomorrow." and then end up stuffing my face. Not good.
ReplyDeleteGood luck on the fast.
xx
can i ask did u losse the 10kg in the 5 days. i need to do the same. and at this stage will do anything please help
ReplyDelete